The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
