You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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