Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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