Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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