remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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