my phone needs a breathalizer
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
