I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
