I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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