i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Randomize
