i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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