my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
