you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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