im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
