So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
