I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
