You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
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