too bad you live with your parents still
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
