the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
