I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
