dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
