do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
