i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
