if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
