Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
