Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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