So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
