I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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