He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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