Just fell off a train. Bad.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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