So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
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I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
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I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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