i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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