i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
