im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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