Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
