whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
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