dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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