I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
