You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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