looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
sarcasm needs its own font
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Randomize
