Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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