Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
