If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
