Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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