Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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