she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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