wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
