Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
