Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Sorry about my life...
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
