my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
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