Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
