I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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