If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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