so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
