I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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