Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Randomize
