im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
