I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
