Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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